post-weekend

although i'm so getting used to being the only child around, it is always always wonderful to get together as a family (duh)

and although i'm already getting used to do things on my own, been in boarding sch since i'm 13, now i'm 22, but i'll never ever get tired of being their daughter (duh again)

well just so you know, I had an amazing weekend, from the family reunion, watching captain america (met super old crush!!!) and the F1 experience with big sister. Totally worth it :)


family >>>>

alhana

Today, i almost fainted. I can feel the darkness creeping slowly, blinding me, but i had the strength to stop it before it engulfs me whole. 

And today is the day that i wore eyeliner to work. Tough luck.

Xx, alhana

Long Enough

I came to realise one thing tonight.

As much as you hate it, this world is a big freaking huge cycle. Tonnes of people live and die every day, thousands repeat the same routine for days and weeks and sometimes the repetition duration can extend to years long. No matter how far you go, how low you fall, you'll always eventually arrive right back where you started. Maybe not in the same way you were, but still, you're there, again. 

This means that in life, you should know who you really are and what you stand with. Stick to it, because it will determine where you end up at the end.

And I, just arrived back to where i started.

alhana xx

Art

It's so easy being depressed and to think that everything in the world is wrong for you. Or possibly, you made the things wrong for you. Trust me, I've been there. I spend quite a number of years being on the depressed and emotional train. I was a wreck, and God forbid that I will ever go into that state again. That's one of the reasons i don't write anymore (well not as much as i used to). Depression makes you write beautiful but sad things. That or maybe such strong feelings for something/someone. I used to have a pencil and paper on me at all times to write down what I feel at that exact moment. Being lost and in love, forming words and sentences that describes me seemed easy. Believe me, i tried making happy poetry, I succeeded a few times, but many of it are seemed fake.

I was so into telling people how I feel, mostly by writing about it and I realize, I don't do stuffs like that anymore. Mostly because the feelings aren't there anymore and partly because now I hide those feelings (not the worst kinds). Maybe sometimes I don't want any chances of it being out, telling people that I am actually being broken and emotional (again) during certain times and most of the times, I tend to turn to Him and all those feelings will disappear, so why even bother writing it down and making it permanent?

But all those writing were once my art, the channel for me to let go of all the things that I am feeling, and I actually liked it. A little too much that I miss writing but I can't seem to jeopardize my feelings in order to create such beauty (if it ever was) so now I just sit and stare in awe at those beautiful sad poetry that other people are making. I came across a cult of twitter accounts that comprises of people who love making poetry, and all of them are so so beautiful that I sometimes wish they are my own words, but it's mostly sad. It's quizzical really, wondering what they are going through but the words that forms from it, meaningful. I can pretend I'm broken but it's not the same, it won't ever be the same.

So here's to all the bad (and good) memories that once created my work, although some of it were taken away, and i can remember clearly one of those that were gone, and it was a happy one. I'd do anything to get it back. Here's to that, and here's to so much more. Hopefully I can get myself to be able to write beautiful things again, but now in happiness rather than sadness.

xx

I Wanna Go

Looking at everybody's photos and i'm like... why am I (still) here?

I wanna go to the States so bad. Well, studying in the UK is the dream, but there are so many things to see and do in the States! I mean, look at the size of it, it's huge! I've been there, lol i've been there twice even. But that was when i was a kid. So its all Disneyland and Disneyworld stuff. Now, I wanna see everything else, and still go to Disney theme parks and their Magic Mountains! + NYC, times square, the food, the life, the people, oh don't get me started!


One day, inshaAllah.

x

Worthy

I always have given this a thought. And it seems that forgiveness on its own isn't enough. You have to be given time to recover, and make yourself worthy again of the crime that you committed, if you have time. And more importantly, huge trust in Allah. Bcs only He knows, whats truly going on. Only He knows whats in the deepest of hearts.


And deep down, i'll always question:


am I worthy of being held on to?

Am I worthy as a friend or daughter?

am I worthy, even a little bit, or even at all?


I guess, everybody needs to have self assurance a little bit more than they used to, to survive in this world. One of the hardest thing is to pretend that you don't feel something that you clearly do.

Because harsh reminders work, always work. Thank you.

xx sabrina

Trying isn't enough apparently

If nobody ever loves me
I think i'll be okay
Bc i know that He loves me
And that is more than enough

Reading Maria Elena's latest blogpost --> (peliks.blogspot.com) makes me teary eyed. MashaAllah, so beautiful. If only i could be like that. But no, I am thankful that I am born with Islam, and do not have to go to the extend that the sister went through. But being a Muslim born is what most of us took advantage of and look lightly towards. I admit sometimes I only remember Allah when I am sad, but i'll try by best to remember him when I am happy too! Or maybe, at all times. Because He never really forgets us or else we'll be dead by now. And we won't be having all those kinds of luxury that we're living in right now. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.

sometimes when i look at other people committing sins
i think to myself
maybe they're committing sins due to ignorance
but im committing it with knowledge

Astaghfirullah

May our imaan grow from day to day, ameen

Hanna xx

Love For

What do you love? Who do you love? Doesn't really matter ey? But I know one thing for sure, if you love someone/something, you want the whole world to know on how amazing the person/thing is so that the world can love it too. Not share the person, of course (if a person is the case).

For example right now.

I have this tingling feeling of excitement whenever I see a bunch of words perfectly jumbled together and forming a perfect sentence, or even a word itself. I see happiness in a sentence that creates not just meaning to me, but other meanings to different people. I love how the words made me feel. Sometimes I just feel like tweeting beautiful sad sentences but I'm just afraid people will just mistaken me by thinking i'm being emotional at the moment but I'm just trying to convey the message on how beautiful I think the sentence is. I think sentences formed with emotions create more impact than others that are just, written. (Maybe that's why I just love poetry)


"How can I fight for something I no longer feel"

Look at that. So, so beautiful.


alhanasabrina xx

Love After Marriage

I was browsing thru Instagram, and I came across a friend of a friend's profile. I don't even know her, but I do know that she got married earlier this year and she's just 21 years old. And she had this picture w a caption "love after marriage is simply amaaazing". 

And that triggered something. 

Love after marriage is not only practiced by us muslims, but those w strong beliefs in their religion too, no matter what religion they're in. Because no one actually perceived love before marriage as something good for you but yet many people practice it nowadays, myself included. It's just to avoid incidents that can lead to all the social problems that the world doesn't need anymore.

I know, not many people can truly accept the fact that you are going to marry a stranger, but i somehow find that somewhat inviting. Like there's so much fun in actually figuring out your spouse after you got married, and you can do everything together cause it's well, halal! 

Because I believe, if both of you are meant for each other, good for each other, love will come along eventually, even if you despise him before. If it ever happens to you, just profile him first, and after making your decision, do solat istikharah and inshaAllah everything will run smoothly for you :) After all, love for the sake of Allah is the best love there is. (And i also believe love comes from spending a lot of time together, so yeah)

In another note, maybe its us, living in the modern day era so we can actually not socialize so much but still can get to know our future spouse a little bit before getting married. And hopefully to all those gentlemen out there, please do not approach a woman without even intending to marry her. Please?

There's actually pros and cons of this topic, and i'm not saying if you don't do it, then you're wrong, no. All i'm saying, if knowing the person you want to marry beforehand will reduce the likelihood of both of you not getting along after marriage, why not? But of course, everything has limits. And may Allah put it in our hearts to remember it. InshaAllah. 

May our hearts and imaan be stronger during Ramadhan. 

Alhanasabrina :)

Together

I now know that love and happiness must come together. One shall not exist without the other. I mean, you can't just hold on to love without happiness and you can't go on just feeling 'happy' about it, without love lurking around somewhere.  

Oh, life. 

Hanna xx