Looking Back

2015 was a great year. Well the ending might seem a little sad, but i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be right now. In the UK and technically all alone. Being alone is not bad, it's actually rewarding to the soul. But I'm not gonna touch on that. Bcs eventhough I am all alone, i'm contented with my life. And i'm perfectly happy with that. 

At the end of the year 2014, I said to myself, I'm going to make a project that'll last the whole year. A 365 days project, something that I can be disciplined in doing. And my project was to snap at least a photo a day and save it so that i can train myself to photograph things more. And i said why not, since the year 2015 is the year that a lot of significant things happened in my life. Alhamdulillah! 

To name a few: I graduated from UTP (5 awesome years), my sister got married and now carrying a little bundle of joy inside of her (isn't that just amazing mashaAllah!), I went to the UK to pursue my masters (it's the dream alhamdulillah), my convocation (one of the best days of my life), and i lost the person that i thought i was gonna spend the rest of my life with (sounds a bit dramatic eh?). Everything was planned except for the last one. Allah knows better and i believe that He is the best planner :)

Who did i try to lie when I thought that I was just gonna be gone for a year and when I come back next year it'll all be the same? That i'm just gonna pick up stuffs right where i left it? The moment I made the decision to come here I knew that things aren't gonna be the same anymore. And the events that came after I left proved it. It's been what, 3 and half months since I left home? (not counting the 5 brief days of me coming back) and I simply can't believe that i've been away from my mum for this long. OK i'm not one to always stay at home all this while but I usually go back every once a month or so during high school and my uni days. And to think that i'll still be away from her for the next 9 months or so? May Allah protect her and my family back home. It's going to be super hard, but i'll have to manage, like i always do :)

I once said to this person, one year is not that long. Just pretend that i'm going to take a year off off life. Easier said than done eh? The break up broke me. But it made me realise who i am as a person without having to have these labels on me. If anything, it helped me connect better with Allah, the one *person* (can i say that?) that is always with me no matter what. But i'm not giving up on love, obviously :p

Albeit all the things that has happened, I can say that it made me more matured and a family person. I have never been this clingy to my parents (esp my mum) before and i wonder why i havent been this way from the very start. It'll definitely save me from a whole lot of troubles but i don't regret anything that has happened. Coming here just may be the best decision i have ever made (for now :p). I get to leave my bubble and extend my circle of friends. It is truly a blessing just to be here, alhamdulillah for that. 

Well here's to 2016, the year where people will start asking questions and i can answer it with THIS YEAR! I can't wait for 2016, i'm sure it's gonna be amazing inshaAllah :)

Love, Alhana x

Past, Present and Future

There are reasons why i love the people that i love, be it in the past, present, or the future. 

To the people i loved in the past, though i might not love you now, or as i would like to say it, i might not have the chance to show it now, i would like to say thank you. Thank you for the chance for loving you, and I'm sure that loving you have given me a chance if not to be better as a person, atleast being better in loving someone by learning how to love you. And by that being said, it's an honor to have someone like you to own a piece of my heart (tho that's not how it's supposed to be) and cross path with. May you be well, and find love that is true and good for you. I may never love you again, or love you the way you want me to, or simply just because we are not meant to end up with each other, but your face, or just your name will certainly bring up if not a memory, a ping in my brain. 

To the people i love now, i pray that this heart is capable of loving you in the many many years to come. Hopefully, this love of mine is enough for you to stay and not go astray as this heart loves, it loves with all its might. And because of this love came from a mere human being, it is not excused from making mistakes. Bear with me and may you experience a love that you have never felt before with anyone else, and that is truly my aim, if not making you happy, that is the one thing i would like to achieve with you. For i hope you will be my only love from now on, and i hope you feel the same. I pray that you don't get jealous of my past loves, and also my future loves, because now is all that matters, and right now, i am in love with you. It is truly wonderful, to be loved by someone else wholeheartedly, even if you have been loved by someone else before, every love feels different in some way. And i hope i made the most difference in your life by loving you. 

To the people i will love in the future, i may not know you now, or i may just dislike you a little bit now (it's mean to use the word hate), but i know when i love you, i will love you wholeheartedly. We will love each other with happiness, kindness and strength. The love we have will make us go "why haven't we met before?" or "why didn't we meet sooner?". And believe me when i say if we did meet before, we wont love each other as much as we will when we finally meet. Certainly Allah works in mysterious ways. He put together two hearts when He feel like its time and it will be perfect. So bear with the time, be patient, and our time will come. If not now then when? Let us make the question linger in our mind for a little while shall we? 

We learn as we grow, and as we grow, we love. May Allah bless all the love that we had, we still have, and will have. 

Alhana Sabrina xx

Art

It's so easy being depressed and to think that everything in the world is wrong for you. Or possibly, you made the things wrong for you. Trust me, I've been there. I spend quite a number of years being on the depressed and emotional train. I was a wreck, and God forbid that I will ever go into that state again. That's one of the reasons i don't write anymore (well not as much as i used to). Depression makes you write beautiful but sad things. That or maybe such strong feelings for something/someone. I used to have a pencil and paper on me at all times to write down what I feel at that exact moment. Being lost and in love, forming words and sentences that describes me seemed easy. Believe me, i tried making happy poetry, I succeeded a few times, but many of it are seemed fake.

I was so into telling people how I feel, mostly by writing about it and I realize, I don't do stuffs like that anymore. Mostly because the feelings aren't there anymore and partly because now I hide those feelings (not the worst kinds). Maybe sometimes I don't want any chances of it being out, telling people that I am actually being broken and emotional (again) during certain times and most of the times, I tend to turn to Him and all those feelings will disappear, so why even bother writing it down and making it permanent?

But all those writing were once my art, the channel for me to let go of all the things that I am feeling, and I actually liked it. A little too much that I miss writing but I can't seem to jeopardize my feelings in order to create such beauty (if it ever was) so now I just sit and stare in awe at those beautiful sad poetry that other people are making. I came across a cult of twitter accounts that comprises of people who love making poetry, and all of them are so so beautiful that I sometimes wish they are my own words, but it's mostly sad. It's quizzical really, wondering what they are going through but the words that forms from it, meaningful. I can pretend I'm broken but it's not the same, it won't ever be the same.

So here's to all the bad (and good) memories that once created my work, although some of it were taken away, and i can remember clearly one of those that were gone, and it was a happy one. I'd do anything to get it back. Here's to that, and here's to so much more. Hopefully I can get myself to be able to write beautiful things again, but now in happiness rather than sadness.

xx

Love For

What do you love? Who do you love? Doesn't really matter ey? But I know one thing for sure, if you love someone/something, you want the whole world to know on how amazing the person/thing is so that the world can love it too. Not share the person, of course (if a person is the case).

For example right now.

I have this tingling feeling of excitement whenever I see a bunch of words perfectly jumbled together and forming a perfect sentence, or even a word itself. I see happiness in a sentence that creates not just meaning to me, but other meanings to different people. I love how the words made me feel. Sometimes I just feel like tweeting beautiful sad sentences but I'm just afraid people will just mistaken me by thinking i'm being emotional at the moment but I'm just trying to convey the message on how beautiful I think the sentence is. I think sentences formed with emotions create more impact than others that are just, written. (Maybe that's why I just love poetry)


"How can I fight for something I no longer feel"

Look at that. So, so beautiful.


alhanasabrina xx

Love After Marriage

I was browsing thru Instagram, and I came across a friend of a friend's profile. I don't even know her, but I do know that she got married earlier this year and she's just 21 years old. And she had this picture w a caption "love after marriage is simply amaaazing". 

And that triggered something. 

Love after marriage is not only practiced by us muslims, but those w strong beliefs in their religion too, no matter what religion they're in. Because no one actually perceived love before marriage as something good for you but yet many people practice it nowadays, myself included. It's just to avoid incidents that can lead to all the social problems that the world doesn't need anymore.

I know, not many people can truly accept the fact that you are going to marry a stranger, but i somehow find that somewhat inviting. Like there's so much fun in actually figuring out your spouse after you got married, and you can do everything together cause it's well, halal! 

Because I believe, if both of you are meant for each other, good for each other, love will come along eventually, even if you despise him before. If it ever happens to you, just profile him first, and after making your decision, do solat istikharah and inshaAllah everything will run smoothly for you :) After all, love for the sake of Allah is the best love there is. (And i also believe love comes from spending a lot of time together, so yeah)

In another note, maybe its us, living in the modern day era so we can actually not socialize so much but still can get to know our future spouse a little bit before getting married. And hopefully to all those gentlemen out there, please do not approach a woman without even intending to marry her. Please?

There's actually pros and cons of this topic, and i'm not saying if you don't do it, then you're wrong, no. All i'm saying, if knowing the person you want to marry beforehand will reduce the likelihood of both of you not getting along after marriage, why not? But of course, everything has limits. And may Allah put it in our hearts to remember it. InshaAllah. 

May our hearts and imaan be stronger during Ramadhan. 

Alhanasabrina :)

Together

I now know that love and happiness must come together. One shall not exist without the other. I mean, you can't just hold on to love without happiness and you can't go on just feeling 'happy' about it, without love lurking around somewhere.  

Oh, life. 

Hanna xx

So, 1st of May. (again!)

This time around it's different cause it's the 1st OGA (old girls association) day held in the new TKC situated at enstek. My oh my. It's hard getting there if you're a first timer cause there's absolutely no signage whatsoever. NO. Except for those hand made signs which just points straight on when we're like there there. Haha. Anyways I had a blast! Exploring (and commenting :p) the grounds, dorms, rooms, dining halls, classrooms, and the trees. Heee. Everything's new, so everything's interesting. I'll show you some pictures.

ALAAA I DIDN'T TAKE PICTURES OF THE DORMSSSS

Okay so basically, it's just a room w 8 beds and lockers. Kinda small for a dorm. But with cemented floor. That's why it felt so, empty and new when i stepped in just now. Their lockers are smaller too! But the rooms, esp in the f5 block, (they're using the International Baccalaureate block) all max 4/5 persons each room. And with their own tables inside. How convenient. And the house hicoms, they live INSIDE the lounges. Soooooo comfy! Lucky them. And they're not using the old bedsheets, the ones we had to straightened up every morning, they're using those with zips instead. So no more 'tegangkan bedsheet' for them. Hihi. But but, the curtains are hideous. Well, the green's are. Sad :(

Ooooh and they have wifi all around the college. And the modems are on each floor of their dorms! See how lucky they are? *cringe with jealousy* lol

The downside is just that, it's hotter and waaay bigger so it's more tiring. But sooner or later you have to get used to it cause you're studying there right?

Oh oh and, remember square? The place we used to have dates and watch netball games and practice our march past? IT'S AN OCTAGON NOW. Haha. With no benches (yet?) and instead of a netball court, it's a basketball court. Heh.

OKAY IDK WHY BLOGGER IS BEING SUCH A... I CAN'T UPLOAD PHOTOS :(

I want to share the fun

*sits in a corner* *cries*

Well I guess i'll try again next time (if I remember) inshaAllah!

Love you girls to bits, alhanasabrina

You have to watch Dakota Skye

"Predictable doesn’t always mean boring.
Lust doesn’t always mean love.
Near doesn’t always mean close.
New doesn’t always mean exciting.
Different doesn’t always mean better.
Far doesn’t always mean distant.
Knowing everything doesn’t make you wise.
Knowing the truth doesn’t make you superior.
Knowing your problem doesn’t solve it.
Sitting between your past and your future doesn’t mean you’re in the present"

Something about this movie just gets me. Either that or I'm just loving it cause it's another love movie that I picked out from Tumblr.

And it has the famous love quote which isn't the one I posted here. Well I guess you have to watch it for yourself to know it right? 

Watch it, and tell me about it okay?

alhanasabrina xx

Oh love

I'm such a sucker for love movies. Sappy, cliché, romantic love movies. Just this morning I was looking to find a chic flick love movie to watch and I stumbled upon Love Actually. For those who haven't watched it, please do. Please please. With the ever charming Hugh Grant innit, you can never go wrong. And it's in England too, which adds more 'awwh' factor to it. Who doesn't love a movie jammed packed with British slang all along the way? I know I do :)

alhanasabrina

Natch

 The whole passage starting from " to " is copied from here, leloveimage :).


"Your E.E. Cummings for the day:

it may not always be so; and i say
that if your lips,which i have loved,should touch
another's,and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart,as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such a silence as i know,or such
great writhing words as,uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;

if this should be,i say if this should be-
you of my heart, send me a little word;
that i may go unto him, and take his hands,
saying, Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face, and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands.

I guess sometimes the thing you want most is the one thing you cannot have. Know that I have never been kidding when I said I would (and in some ways I have) sacrifice anything - everything - for you, because you and me and us and we, and our always, mean that much to me. Desire, I guess, wears us out, leaves us broken. Desire, I guess, can wreck a life. But you know, as tough as wanting something can be, I think the people who suffer the most, are those who don’t know what they want or worse don’t do what is necessary to get what they want. In the best possible way, you have absolutely wrecked me, because you see, I fell in love with you, always with a feeling, deep down, that there was very little chance of my ever being with you for that always. Definition of insanity, I guess, but holding true the adage that to love and win is the best thing; to love and lose, the next best – because at least I loved you with a love unsurpassed and never to be duplicated, completely and totally and unconditionally and without limits and with a depth that not even poets have been able to capture or even describe.

I wish you happiness. I wish you joy. I wish you grace. I hope that your life leaves you filled to overflowing with all that you had hoped - surpassing your every expectation. There is a wonderful benediction that goes something like “my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, a hearth constantly warmed by family and friends, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.” I do wish all those things for you.

I will miss telling you what you mean to me, which is nothing less than what you mean to the world. I will miss finding new and wonderful ways to express my every feeling, which are numerous and deep and consuming. I will miss telling you how beautiful and amazing and intelligent and bright and gorgeous and lovely and sensual you are. I will miss describing the wonderment that is every one of your special places – and experiencing each of them inch by inch, touch by touch, kiss by kiss, for a lifetime.

You will always find ways to my heart, but I pray that one day the taste of your name, which sounds of beauty and sunshine and smiles and bliss and the warmth of a blessed day, will sound so, though I am not hopeful. Know that any time I need to see your face I will just close my eyes – you will always be there.

And no matter what, I will always love you. And while I will always hope, and pray and wish for the day when you come to me and say “I am yours, all yours, for always,” I will also just pray for a day when I won’t need you so badly every minute of every day and every second in between. You are a love, beyond love, and you will always have my whole entire heart."


Beautiful isn't it? Oh how I long to write like this. Someday.

alhanasabrina

Superstar

It's hard, to be able to love someone with all your might but not being able to tell them what's craving to get out. Cause really, she's lost for words. But that's not love. Love won't do such things. If she really love, the words would come out like blood running thru her veins. She's afraid to ruin it. And he's waiting for her to take a chance. She's broken her promise once, and he's dying to see what's her reaction towards it. But the truth is, she had ruined it. Ruined. With an ed. And she has absolutely no idea on how to fix it. Stumbling upon lost messages, hidden pictures and she found her greatest treasure. Memories. And a portrait with both of them together. She never knew it existed. Well, she did. And now, it'll never leave her sight. Lost in her own world, she crouches in the light, seeking for help. But he won't help her. He wants to, but he wants her to be independent. And once she has that, he wants her for his own. Only for him. And secretly she wants that too, but she's afraid. Afraid that after she gave away all of her to him, he'll flee, like the others. But how could one take her seriously if she's not willing to give it back in return? She has to think. Fast. Before he fades away like he starts to be. She tried, but clearly words ain't enuff. But he's so far away, and she's outta gas. Help, where's the nearest gas station? She search for money. She yearns for guidance. She raised up both of her hands and ask for His help.

And then, she fell asleep with a smile. Wishing that her fight will end soon, she lied to herself thinking that everything will be okay tomorrow.

Something that I think suits the moment. Good song tho ;)

Just another love story: alhanasabrina

Trois

Let me tell you three things about two diff subjects

1) Movies (yep, we're back to that topic, haha)

Remember that kid from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory ? Well, he's all grown up now. And he's even cuter. Watched this already, and yeah it's a romantic movie, so expect no drama at all. Or maybe a little. Haha. Also starring Emma Roberts. And watching this, Im starting to wonder is there such a person like him? Weird, but very smart indeed. I like his dimple.

Who does not love the charming Ryan Gosling ? Im only halfway thru this one, so can't say much but it's def a love movie (my type of movie hihi). Also Starring Michelle Williams. (I love her current hair btw)

*Okay I just finished watching it. Just editing this post a lil bit. Super sad ending :'( I just wished that it could be different, and hope that it doesn't happen to me. Nauzubillah.*

It's everything you look for in a movie, thus deserving it's Oscar on Best Motion Picture. (claps) Shows the growth of the movies starting from the silent movie until what we see in cinemas today. I think it's a great reminder to the people nowadays about the origination of the film industry. And it's heartbreakingly beautiful at the same time. And a surprise at the end ;)

2) Weddings (love mode: ON :p)

I went to three weddings today. And all three of them had different colours, settings, food, and also gifts.

Colours - First one was red, (my mum was furious cause she wore the same colour, i thought it was a tad decent as you get to fit it just like i did at K.Yu's wedding hehe), 2nd one's my favourite, baby blue and pink ! Hihi. Altho the deco looks a bit kiddy, but the dais looks so pretty. The lights, the chairs, the flowers and all. Not to mention the bride and groom themselves. Awww. The 3rd one, it's grey. I didn't manage to look at the bride and groom, what more the dais, but the wedding is huge. They had like 7 canopies up for the event. I can't imagine why not, it's the first daughter who's getting married !

Settings - The first one, they did it in an open space, so there's ample of place for the guests to sit. But parking's always been a problem, for any event. Unless you do it in a hall or a hotel.  The 2nd one, they did it at their house, but they were smart to use up the space beside their house. What they did was they have a gate at the side of their house, and they open it up to make some extra space, taking up the side alley. Nice move. That way they don't have to put up the canopies up front. The third, it's actually my neighbour, so they took up all the space, but there's actually quite a lot since their house is a corner lot but yep, the parking problem again. Some even parked in front of our house. They did it at night so i guess it's okay to park in front of somebody's house. They all have one thing in common, the chair deco. Every single one of them had a piece of cloth tied to the chairs, according to the theme. I say, is that the only way to deco a chair during a wedding ? Hmm

Food - Two out of three served Nasi Hujan Panas - my favourite ! Hehe. Two out of three also served oranges. But the third's food was incredibly goooooood. The other two was okay :)

Gifts - Of course they will be different ! Haha. God knows what people nowadays have in mind. The first one gave sweets, cupcake and a porcelain cup. The second one gave a glass container filled with this sweet crunchy thing, i dunno what's it called, but it's good. Hehe. The third gave a cute trinket - as my mum said it. Go google it. And the sad part is, nobody actually give away eggs anymore. Sobs.

alhanasabrina