Fiery Hands

Something happened for the first time yesterday. My hands were like on fire, and I can't stay still. I can feel the heat radiating through my fingers yet other people can't even see my pain. It was excruciatingly painful, I can't even come close to expressing it. It's like a hundred it you ask me to rate it from 1-10. I tried everything, from water to oil, even detergent, toothpaste, shower gel, any liquids you name it I've tried it, it won't go away. Finally after hours of trying (and a whole lot of ice!) it finally died down and my hands are mine again. Alhamdulillah. It was all a battle to test my mental ability, whether I am strong enough to overcome the pain, bcs its just internal pain, it's not a wound that is exposed or bleeding. And I said to myself, if I can go through that, I can go through anything, if Allah wills it. 

Darn you extra hot chilies.

Now who's up for some sambal? :B

xx alhana

Past, Present and Future

There are reasons why i love the people that i love, be it in the past, present, or the future. 

To the people i loved in the past, though i might not love you now, or as i would like to say it, i might not have the chance to show it now, i would like to say thank you. Thank you for the chance for loving you, and I'm sure that loving you have given me a chance if not to be better as a person, atleast being better in loving someone by learning how to love you. And by that being said, it's an honor to have someone like you to own a piece of my heart (tho that's not how it's supposed to be) and cross path with. May you be well, and find love that is true and good for you. I may never love you again, or love you the way you want me to, or simply just because we are not meant to end up with each other, but your face, or just your name will certainly bring up if not a memory, a ping in my brain. 

To the people i love now, i pray that this heart is capable of loving you in the many many years to come. Hopefully, this love of mine is enough for you to stay and not go astray as this heart loves, it loves with all its might. And because of this love came from a mere human being, it is not excused from making mistakes. Bear with me and may you experience a love that you have never felt before with anyone else, and that is truly my aim, if not making you happy, that is the one thing i would like to achieve with you. For i hope you will be my only love from now on, and i hope you feel the same. I pray that you don't get jealous of my past loves, and also my future loves, because now is all that matters, and right now, i am in love with you. It is truly wonderful, to be loved by someone else wholeheartedly, even if you have been loved by someone else before, every love feels different in some way. And i hope i made the most difference in your life by loving you. 

To the people i will love in the future, i may not know you now, or i may just dislike you a little bit now (it's mean to use the word hate), but i know when i love you, i will love you wholeheartedly. We will love each other with happiness, kindness and strength. The love we have will make us go "why haven't we met before?" or "why didn't we meet sooner?". And believe me when i say if we did meet before, we wont love each other as much as we will when we finally meet. Certainly Allah works in mysterious ways. He put together two hearts when He feel like its time and it will be perfect. So bear with the time, be patient, and our time will come. If not now then when? Let us make the question linger in our mind for a little while shall we? 

We learn as we grow, and as we grow, we love. May Allah bless all the love that we had, we still have, and will have. 

Alhana Sabrina xx

post-weekend

although i'm so getting used to being the only child around, it is always always wonderful to get together as a family (duh)

and although i'm already getting used to do things on my own, been in boarding sch since i'm 13, now i'm 22, but i'll never ever get tired of being their daughter (duh again)

well just so you know, I had an amazing weekend, from the family reunion, watching captain america (met super old crush!!!) and the F1 experience with big sister. Totally worth it :)


family >>>>

alhana

Today, i almost fainted. I can feel the darkness creeping slowly, blinding me, but i had the strength to stop it before it engulfs me whole. 

And today is the day that i wore eyeliner to work. Tough luck.

Xx, alhana

Long Enough

I came to realise one thing tonight.

As much as you hate it, this world is a big freaking huge cycle. Tonnes of people live and die every day, thousands repeat the same routine for days and weeks and sometimes the repetition duration can extend to years long. No matter how far you go, how low you fall, you'll always eventually arrive right back where you started. Maybe not in the same way you were, but still, you're there, again. 

This means that in life, you should know who you really are and what you stand with. Stick to it, because it will determine where you end up at the end.

And I, just arrived back to where i started.

alhana xx

Art

It's so easy being depressed and to think that everything in the world is wrong for you. Or possibly, you made the things wrong for you. Trust me, I've been there. I spend quite a number of years being on the depressed and emotional train. I was a wreck, and God forbid that I will ever go into that state again. That's one of the reasons i don't write anymore (well not as much as i used to). Depression makes you write beautiful but sad things. That or maybe such strong feelings for something/someone. I used to have a pencil and paper on me at all times to write down what I feel at that exact moment. Being lost and in love, forming words and sentences that describes me seemed easy. Believe me, i tried making happy poetry, I succeeded a few times, but many of it are seemed fake.

I was so into telling people how I feel, mostly by writing about it and I realize, I don't do stuffs like that anymore. Mostly because the feelings aren't there anymore and partly because now I hide those feelings (not the worst kinds). Maybe sometimes I don't want any chances of it being out, telling people that I am actually being broken and emotional (again) during certain times and most of the times, I tend to turn to Him and all those feelings will disappear, so why even bother writing it down and making it permanent?

But all those writing were once my art, the channel for me to let go of all the things that I am feeling, and I actually liked it. A little too much that I miss writing but I can't seem to jeopardize my feelings in order to create such beauty (if it ever was) so now I just sit and stare in awe at those beautiful sad poetry that other people are making. I came across a cult of twitter accounts that comprises of people who love making poetry, and all of them are so so beautiful that I sometimes wish they are my own words, but it's mostly sad. It's quizzical really, wondering what they are going through but the words that forms from it, meaningful. I can pretend I'm broken but it's not the same, it won't ever be the same.

So here's to all the bad (and good) memories that once created my work, although some of it were taken away, and i can remember clearly one of those that were gone, and it was a happy one. I'd do anything to get it back. Here's to that, and here's to so much more. Hopefully I can get myself to be able to write beautiful things again, but now in happiness rather than sadness.

xx

I Wanna Go

Looking at everybody's photos and i'm like... why am I (still) here?

I wanna go to the States so bad. Well, studying in the UK is the dream, but there are so many things to see and do in the States! I mean, look at the size of it, it's huge! I've been there, lol i've been there twice even. But that was when i was a kid. So its all Disneyland and Disneyworld stuff. Now, I wanna see everything else, and still go to Disney theme parks and their Magic Mountains! + NYC, times square, the food, the life, the people, oh don't get me started!


One day, inshaAllah.

x