Past, Present and Future

There are reasons why i love the people that i love, be it in the past, present, or the future. 

To the people i loved in the past, though i might not love you now, or as i would like to say it, i might not have the chance to show it now, i would like to say thank you. Thank you for the chance for loving you, and I'm sure that loving you have given me a chance if not to be better as a person, atleast being better in loving someone by learning how to love you. And by that being said, it's an honor to have someone like you to own a piece of my heart (tho that's not how it's supposed to be) and cross path with. May you be well, and find love that is true and good for you. I may never love you again, or love you the way you want me to, or simply just because we are not meant to end up with each other, but your face, or just your name will certainly bring up if not a memory, a ping in my brain. 

To the people i love now, i pray that this heart is capable of loving you in the many many years to come. Hopefully, this love of mine is enough for you to stay and not go astray as this heart loves, it loves with all its might. And because of this love came from a mere human being, it is not excused from making mistakes. Bear with me and may you experience a love that you have never felt before with anyone else, and that is truly my aim, if not making you happy, that is the one thing i would like to achieve with you. For i hope you will be my only love from now on, and i hope you feel the same. I pray that you don't get jealous of my past loves, and also my future loves, because now is all that matters, and right now, i am in love with you. It is truly wonderful, to be loved by someone else wholeheartedly, even if you have been loved by someone else before, every love feels different in some way. And i hope i made the most difference in your life by loving you. 

To the people i will love in the future, i may not know you now, or i may just dislike you a little bit now (it's mean to use the word hate), but i know when i love you, i will love you wholeheartedly. We will love each other with happiness, kindness and strength. The love we have will make us go "why haven't we met before?" or "why didn't we meet sooner?". And believe me when i say if we did meet before, we wont love each other as much as we will when we finally meet. Certainly Allah works in mysterious ways. He put together two hearts when He feel like its time and it will be perfect. So bear with the time, be patient, and our time will come. If not now then when? Let us make the question linger in our mind for a little while shall we? 

We learn as we grow, and as we grow, we love. May Allah bless all the love that we had, we still have, and will have. 

Alhana Sabrina xx

Long Enough

I came to realise one thing tonight.

As much as you hate it, this world is a big freaking huge cycle. Tonnes of people live and die every day, thousands repeat the same routine for days and weeks and sometimes the repetition duration can extend to years long. No matter how far you go, how low you fall, you'll always eventually arrive right back where you started. Maybe not in the same way you were, but still, you're there, again. 

This means that in life, you should know who you really are and what you stand with. Stick to it, because it will determine where you end up at the end.

And I, just arrived back to where i started.

alhana xx

Art

It's so easy being depressed and to think that everything in the world is wrong for you. Or possibly, you made the things wrong for you. Trust me, I've been there. I spend quite a number of years being on the depressed and emotional train. I was a wreck, and God forbid that I will ever go into that state again. That's one of the reasons i don't write anymore (well not as much as i used to). Depression makes you write beautiful but sad things. That or maybe such strong feelings for something/someone. I used to have a pencil and paper on me at all times to write down what I feel at that exact moment. Being lost and in love, forming words and sentences that describes me seemed easy. Believe me, i tried making happy poetry, I succeeded a few times, but many of it are seemed fake.

I was so into telling people how I feel, mostly by writing about it and I realize, I don't do stuffs like that anymore. Mostly because the feelings aren't there anymore and partly because now I hide those feelings (not the worst kinds). Maybe sometimes I don't want any chances of it being out, telling people that I am actually being broken and emotional (again) during certain times and most of the times, I tend to turn to Him and all those feelings will disappear, so why even bother writing it down and making it permanent?

But all those writing were once my art, the channel for me to let go of all the things that I am feeling, and I actually liked it. A little too much that I miss writing but I can't seem to jeopardize my feelings in order to create such beauty (if it ever was) so now I just sit and stare in awe at those beautiful sad poetry that other people are making. I came across a cult of twitter accounts that comprises of people who love making poetry, and all of them are so so beautiful that I sometimes wish they are my own words, but it's mostly sad. It's quizzical really, wondering what they are going through but the words that forms from it, meaningful. I can pretend I'm broken but it's not the same, it won't ever be the same.

So here's to all the bad (and good) memories that once created my work, although some of it were taken away, and i can remember clearly one of those that were gone, and it was a happy one. I'd do anything to get it back. Here's to that, and here's to so much more. Hopefully I can get myself to be able to write beautiful things again, but now in happiness rather than sadness.

xx

Love For

What do you love? Who do you love? Doesn't really matter ey? But I know one thing for sure, if you love someone/something, you want the whole world to know on how amazing the person/thing is so that the world can love it too. Not share the person, of course (if a person is the case).

For example right now.

I have this tingling feeling of excitement whenever I see a bunch of words perfectly jumbled together and forming a perfect sentence, or even a word itself. I see happiness in a sentence that creates not just meaning to me, but other meanings to different people. I love how the words made me feel. Sometimes I just feel like tweeting beautiful sad sentences but I'm just afraid people will just mistaken me by thinking i'm being emotional at the moment but I'm just trying to convey the message on how beautiful I think the sentence is. I think sentences formed with emotions create more impact than others that are just, written. (Maybe that's why I just love poetry)


"How can I fight for something I no longer feel"

Look at that. So, so beautiful.


alhanasabrina xx

Expectations, Hopes and Dreams

It's normal for people to have a weight or you can say responsibilities upon them, being the typical are - to study hard and get good results, to portray good manners, to be able to dress well and cover our aurahs, and so on. And it is important that they are not only given the task to do, but also the aid that will help them achieve that task. I can say that i've been living under the pressure of scoring well in my exams since i was small, and trust me, it does not stop. It has become a norm to me that i feel like it's programmed into me. Well apart from that is my parent's ultimate wishlist for me (next to becoming a good, solehah daughter), i myself too want to see myself as someone worthy, someone who is capable of achieving things. Not just becoming a living person on earth, just like some other 26 billion people.

And to do that, it is not an easy journey. You have to be able to learn new things, and absorb them fast as the world nowadays can be whizzing past you with you even noticing it. Not to mention the everyday drama, or the day-to-day routine that sometimes get our bodies numb and allows us to succumb to our #1 desire - procrastination. Being 24/7 productive is a hard task and blimey, it takes a strong person to be able to put up that mask every second too! So you need to learn how to manage your time wisely, which are translated by us, the 20s as "last minute errands" or "wait, just an episode" which later turns out to be a whole freaking season of it! Not good. And exercising takes a huge chunk in producing an all rounder student, whether you like it or not. I'm still working on that because I deffo hate going out to jog having to wear my shawls and so on thats why i exercise most when i'm home. Need to work on that. Haha.

A huge problem which I can clearly see in myself in the need for us ladies to shop. Ahh, this. A problem I can't find a cure for, yet! Maybe being in a secluded place like Tronoh (in my case) prevents me from going nuts whenever that famous brand goes on sale but having those online shops, shudders, just gets me. But i guess the cure is to be content of whatever you have and DON'T, i repeat DON'T ever try and scroll through those online blogs. It's a disease and once you got it, it takes an empty bank account to finally cure you from it. You don't want that do you?

Last but not least, the spiritual link. Everything you do, everything you own, even you yourself, won't exist if it weren't for Allah so do what you have to do, or need to do but don't ever, EVER forget Him. And your family too. They're your base so stick to it.

Actually i'm freaking out for this coming 3rd year cause i've been on a holiday for so long now i swear i wont ever want any holiday like this ever. Lol of course I do but this holiday makes me feel less smart. Lemme get that degree first before thinking of any plans of a holiday okay? insyaAllah

alhanasabrina xx

Strong Suit

I guess this is it. I am happy, i really am. I simply cannot ask for more. But evidently, with every happiness there's always something missing if you looked. It doesn't bother me much, wait, it does, but life had taught me enough to not dwell on sadness so much. Either it'll consume you, or you'll be consumed in it.

It's sad, really. Cause I never thought we'd be here. Like this. Both of us are happy now, but we lost each other in the process. I know, I can't help it but to blame myself cause I took the first step, but along the way, i wondered, why? Could this thing end differently? All that's left are questions without answers because my friend, time can't be turned back.

I always thought the reason is because we can't just be friends. Or maybe, we weren't friends in the first place. Or maybe something else that i'm just too blind to see. That's just sad. It's a shame really, cause we made such good partners. Not in that sense. Just by being bestfriends. But i guess that's not for us.

Thoughts while listening to Blind by Lifehouse.

Carry on, i'm perfectly fine; alhanasabrina :)

Treadmill

Countless thoughts acted upon, random craves became normal, sudden urges fulfilled, plates of delicacies swallowed, places travelled, days slept in doing nothing, money spent recklessly, all I ever did was give in to myself. I caved to all of my desires, wishes, and wants.

Maybe it's time to fight myself.

Natch

 The whole passage starting from " to " is copied from here, leloveimage :).


"Your E.E. Cummings for the day:

it may not always be so; and i say
that if your lips,which i have loved,should touch
another's,and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart,as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such a silence as i know,or such
great writhing words as,uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;

if this should be,i say if this should be-
you of my heart, send me a little word;
that i may go unto him, and take his hands,
saying, Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face, and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands.

I guess sometimes the thing you want most is the one thing you cannot have. Know that I have never been kidding when I said I would (and in some ways I have) sacrifice anything - everything - for you, because you and me and us and we, and our always, mean that much to me. Desire, I guess, wears us out, leaves us broken. Desire, I guess, can wreck a life. But you know, as tough as wanting something can be, I think the people who suffer the most, are those who don’t know what they want or worse don’t do what is necessary to get what they want. In the best possible way, you have absolutely wrecked me, because you see, I fell in love with you, always with a feeling, deep down, that there was very little chance of my ever being with you for that always. Definition of insanity, I guess, but holding true the adage that to love and win is the best thing; to love and lose, the next best – because at least I loved you with a love unsurpassed and never to be duplicated, completely and totally and unconditionally and without limits and with a depth that not even poets have been able to capture or even describe.

I wish you happiness. I wish you joy. I wish you grace. I hope that your life leaves you filled to overflowing with all that you had hoped - surpassing your every expectation. There is a wonderful benediction that goes something like “my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, a hearth constantly warmed by family and friends, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.” I do wish all those things for you.

I will miss telling you what you mean to me, which is nothing less than what you mean to the world. I will miss finding new and wonderful ways to express my every feeling, which are numerous and deep and consuming. I will miss telling you how beautiful and amazing and intelligent and bright and gorgeous and lovely and sensual you are. I will miss describing the wonderment that is every one of your special places – and experiencing each of them inch by inch, touch by touch, kiss by kiss, for a lifetime.

You will always find ways to my heart, but I pray that one day the taste of your name, which sounds of beauty and sunshine and smiles and bliss and the warmth of a blessed day, will sound so, though I am not hopeful. Know that any time I need to see your face I will just close my eyes – you will always be there.

And no matter what, I will always love you. And while I will always hope, and pray and wish for the day when you come to me and say “I am yours, all yours, for always,” I will also just pray for a day when I won’t need you so badly every minute of every day and every second in between. You are a love, beyond love, and you will always have my whole entire heart."


Beautiful isn't it? Oh how I long to write like this. Someday.

alhanasabrina

Superstar

It's hard, to be able to love someone with all your might but not being able to tell them what's craving to get out. Cause really, she's lost for words. But that's not love. Love won't do such things. If she really love, the words would come out like blood running thru her veins. She's afraid to ruin it. And he's waiting for her to take a chance. She's broken her promise once, and he's dying to see what's her reaction towards it. But the truth is, she had ruined it. Ruined. With an ed. And she has absolutely no idea on how to fix it. Stumbling upon lost messages, hidden pictures and she found her greatest treasure. Memories. And a portrait with both of them together. She never knew it existed. Well, she did. And now, it'll never leave her sight. Lost in her own world, she crouches in the light, seeking for help. But he won't help her. He wants to, but he wants her to be independent. And once she has that, he wants her for his own. Only for him. And secretly she wants that too, but she's afraid. Afraid that after she gave away all of her to him, he'll flee, like the others. But how could one take her seriously if she's not willing to give it back in return? She has to think. Fast. Before he fades away like he starts to be. She tried, but clearly words ain't enuff. But he's so far away, and she's outta gas. Help, where's the nearest gas station? She search for money. She yearns for guidance. She raised up both of her hands and ask for His help.

And then, she fell asleep with a smile. Wishing that her fight will end soon, she lied to herself thinking that everything will be okay tomorrow.

Something that I think suits the moment. Good song tho ;)

Just another love story: alhanasabrina